Letting Go of Resentments
by Dr. Eric L. Davis
"Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Siddhartha Gautama, founder of Buddhism.
There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that tells us to "Let Go and Let God." This means that we have to free ourselves of resentments in order to remain healthy and grow spiritually. As written in the bible, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (Hebrews 12:15). Resentments are like roots that give rise to all sorts of negative symptoms in our lives. It is imperative that we let go of them.
An exercise that I use in addiction treatment groups provides a way to practice turning things over to a Higher Power. The exercise is strictly symbolic, but I have found it to be very useful:
I start out with a discussion about what resentments are and why they are dangerous to our well-being. I ask the clients to take out a piece of paper and tear it in half. On one half, I have them write the biggest resentment in their life that they can think of. (I always make sure that they know no one will know what it is unless they want them to.) I then have them fold that piece of paper up and place it in their pocket.
I then have them tear the second piece in half, so they have two smaller pieces. On those two pieces I have them write smaller resentments that they have-resentments they are comfortable sharing aloud in the group with their peers.
I then take out a trashcan and set it in the middle of the group. I explain the exercise to them:
The way it works is each person will have an opportunity to stand up by the trashcan and read the two smaller resentments aloud to their peers. As they finish reading each one, they throw the piece of paper in the trashcan-which symbolizes their letting go of that resentment and turning it over to their Higher Power. (Let me mention here that the trashcan does not symbolize their Higher Power, but serves as a way of disposal of the paper.)
Once the two smaller resentments are read aloud and thrown away, the client now has the option of getting the large resentment out of their pocket and doing the same with it-but they do not have to. If they choose not to, the symbolism is that they have to carry that resentment with them. I also take this a step further by noting that they have turned over the resentments that are now in the trashcan, and if they want to carry those resentments with them (and take them back from their Higher power), they will have to dig them back out of the trash.
When the exercise is finished, we discuss what everyone is feeling inside. This promotes discussion of what resentments feel like physically, emotionally and mentally. We also discuss how each person felt when they released the resentments into the trashcan.
I then point out that, in essence, each person had just worked a "mini-fourth and fifth step" from the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. They identified something that bothers them and freed themselves from it by acknowledging it, putting it out in the open, and then releasing it.
We also discuss the process and the future implications. If they can share such deep things with a group of their peers, they can surely share more things with God, themselves, and another human being as prescribed in the fifth step. I also note that no one made fun of what they shared and that what they shared was likely similar to what others in the group shared. Someone always points out that they always felt like they were the only one who had done such things or resented such things in their life-but that others in the group had done or been through similar things - or worse. It helps to reinforce that we are not alone and that if God and others can still love and forgive us despite our faults, then why can't we forgive and love ourselves.
Throughout the years, I've had many clients report that they felt a sense of relief after completing the exercise. One particular client reported that she felt a "tingling sensation" and a sense of relief when sharing her resentments with the group. Many clients report feeling uncomfortable during the exercise, but of these, most report feeling a greater sense of emotional freedom a day or so afterward. The result truly appears to correlate with the level of rigorous honesty with which the exercise is done. Those who are brave enough to release the deepest, darkest resentments seem to have the most profound results. I believe this to be as a quote I heard on the television show Doogie Howser, M.D. years ago: The truth is like surgery...it hurts, but it heals.
In the Bible it states, "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" (Isaiah 43:25). This speaks to forgiving being even more so for ourselves than for the person we are forgiving. By letting go and making restitution, we are able to release ourselves from the bondage of our past and move on with our lives. We are also able to mend relationships by the power of letting go and forgiving-relationships with God, others, and ourselves.
The trashcan exercise is a way that we can practice the principle of letting things go and trusting in God. Always remember: We are only as sick as our deepest secret.
Dr. Eric L. Davis is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker, Licensed Clinical Addiction Counselor, State-Certified Batterers
Intervention Program Supervisor, and Board Certified Professional Christian
Counselor who serves as Co-Executive Director and Director of Clinical Services
for Life Recovery Center in
Indianapolis, IN. He also teaches as an adjunct professor for the Indiana
University School of Social Work at Indiana University-Purdue University
Indianapolis (IUPUI). www.LifeRecoveryCenter.net.
You can reach him for comments, questions or feedback at eric@liferecoverycenter.info 
